Monday, October 24, 2011

Healthful Halloween Treat Ideas

Booooo! Halloween is here again, and that means one thing: it's time to feed strange children candy in a socially acceptable way. If you're like me, Halloween is an ethical minefield. How do you make it fun for the neighborhood kids without contributing to childhood obesity, diabetes, zits and murder?

Fear not! The following is a list of harrowingly healthful Halloween treat ideas that you can make at home. By being a little bit creative you can minimize your junk food footprint and maximize your fun one. And the best part? The neighborhood kids won't even notice the difference!

HARROWINGLY HEALTHFUL HALLOWEEN TREATS

Dracula Pills (extra-strength Tylenol)

Vampire Soda (bottled water mixed with red food coloring and fake cobwebs)

Wolfman’s Fudge (salad served in a chocolate bar wrapper)

Zombie Pie (tomatoes in a dark bowl)

Mummy’s Fudge (salad served in fresh toilet paper)

Psycho Suckers (twigs dipped in skim milk)

Hitler Gum (dehydrated cranberries mushed into cubes)

Ghost Licorice (uncooked spaghetti eaten under a red lightbulb)

Weird Chips (rice cakes with fake bugs on them)

Blob Pellets (raisins floating in mayonnaise)

Happy snacking, everyone!

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Movie Quote Challenge!

Attention: film buffs and cineastes of all shapes and creeds! Your task (should you choose to accept it) is to read the following movie quotes and identify whether they come from either Woody Allen's 1977 Academy Award-winning romantic comedy Annie Hall or Michael Bay's 2011 robot film Transformers: Dark of the Moon. Good luck—and happy film-going!
  1. “Love is too weak a word for what I feelI luuurve you.”

  1. “I know who stole the Energon cubes—it was those evil Decepticons!”

  1. “La-di-da, Megatron. La-di-da.”

  1. “Surprise, surprise, Optimus Prime! In thirty seconds I will destroy the quirky actress Diane Keaton, then take the New York subway to a jazz.”

  1. “Oh, jeez! I had no idea that Diane Keaton could transform herself into a car and outgrow me. I feel like the character in that Chekhov story.”

Bonus Question

  1. “Is this a fact, Jackie? A winner in the village?”

ANSWERS:

1. Annie Hall 2. Transformers: Dark of the Moon 3. Annie Hall 4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon 5. Annie Hall 6. Waking Ned Devine

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Urban Tip: How to Deal With A Glory Hole

One downside to living in a major metropolis is that sometimes, without any warning, you find a glory hole in your apartment. Glory holes can be triggered by any number of events: poor maintenance, climate change or playing jazz records a bit too loud. (In my case, poor maintenance was the culprit.) The day I found a glory hole in my apartment, I nearly had a large spazz. But, instead of jumping off the roof or burning down my home to start afresh, I found a way to deal with the situation like an adult. It is my dream that this blog post will help other urbanites deal with unwanted glory holes and go on to lead rich, exciting lives in America and Spain.

THE PROBLEM: This is me discovering the notorious hole. I was not very happy to see it!

WORST-CASE SCENARIO: What if? No one should have to deal with something like this while trying to eat breakfast or relax with a couple of jazz records. (In the interest of decency, I substituted a banana for the traditional wang.)

THE SOLUTION: Using my quick wits and a little muscle power, I plugged the Godless hole with an old plastic bag I'd been keeping under my sink. Problem solved, my friends!

These days, I can relax at home without having to worry about dozens of wangs poking out the hole of my kitchen's closet door. And that is what life in the city is all about, cool cats and kitties!


Urban Tip is a new Hogwash! feature that will appear when you least expect it, like a ghost or an old friend you'd like to avoid.