Thursday, December 30, 2010

Planet Guy: How to "Seal the Deal" After a Date

This guy has achieved the nasty with over 33,000 women.

So, you’ve taken her out to dinner and had some drinks; you’ve casually invited her back to your boarding house and, wonder of wonders, she said yes! Now, what do you do to seal the deal (i.e. take a leisurely stroll down Intercourse Avenue)? You don’t want to mess it up, right? Well, according to a survey of some Canadian women, the worst thing you can do at this stage is take her straight to the bedroom and throw your trousers out the window like some sort of impatient, horny garbage man. The best thing you can do is slowly create a romantic atmosphere that will make it impossible for her to resist you, and that means one thing: an impromptu ragtime piano concert.

No woman can resist a fellow who has mastered the ragtime canon: it's in their DNA. But, whoa!, let’s back up a second, shall we? Before you can even think about asking a woman on a date, you’re going need to do a bit of work. First of all, you’re going to have to buy a baby grand piano for your room (if your landlady objects, buy her some stockings and Chinese oranges to smooth things over).

Now that you own a piano, you're going to have to learn to play the damn thing! Give yourself five to eight years to get comfortable on the keys (we recommend starting off at the Royal Conservatory of Music, then finding yourself a good jazz teacher across the river). Once you’ve tamed the eighty-eight-fingered monster and passed all your exams, it’s time to tame the ten-fingered monster—your sweetheart!

You’ll be amazed by the intense visceral reaction you provoke in your monster when she sees you sit down at the piano bench, straighten your bow tie and launch into the opening trills of Scott Joplin’s “Maple Leaf Rag,” followed by James Scott’s scintillating “Frog Legs Rag,” and, as you whip her into the final stages of erotic euphoria, Joseph Lamb‘s “Excelsior Rag.” Before you can say “cakewalk,” you’ll be making full love to your woman’s body or face. Oh, and one more thing: in the words of Scott Joplin, “be sure to use protection!”

Planet Guy is a new men's column that will appear maybe once a year on Hogwash!