Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Infopackette for the Trapped Chilean Miners

"What did we miss?"

It’s been a long, harrowing journey, but tonight, you, the trapped Chilean miners, are going to be lifted to safety. I’d like to be the first to congratulate you. In a matter of hours you’ll be breathing the air of freedom, stretching your legs and getting straight back to work in various other mines! Just teasing; you don’t have to do that.

Now. You guys have been stuck underground for a long time, and you’re probably wondering what you’ve missed in the news. For instance: did Tony Curtis pass away? Unfortunately, yes. He was 85 and they buried him with his beloved Stetson hat. The funeral was in Vegas. But let’s not get sidetracked and only talk about Tony Curtis, OK guys? Plenty of other important things have happened since August 5. Luckily, I’ve mined the internet and packaged this information in an easy to use Infopackette. Using my Infopackette, you’ll be able to make informed decisions in your exciting new lives as land-walkers. Let’s get started!

  • Minka Kelly has been named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire. Do yourselves a favour and look her up online. If you don’t get big wild boners you’re a bunch of idiots!*
  • A "Goldilocks planet" was discovered that can support human life. This means that one day humans will be able to live on the planet and continue creating cool movies and music and blogs.
  • The Nobel Peace Prize was awarded to jailed Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo. Imagine getting a prize in jail? I’d be, like, “Forget about the durn prize and give me the key to my jail cell. Buh-bye!”
  • Robert Pattinson has been named Sexiest Man Alive by Glamour magazine. (This piece of news is specifically aimed at Alfonso, who I understand to be the gay one.)
  • Halloween is quickly approaching. If you’re looking to wow people with a killer costume, you’d better get to work now. Popular costume ideas this year include: Sarah Palin, the Human Centipede and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg.
  • I had some awful computer trouble at the end of September and I lost everything on my hard drive. Can you believe that? On the bright side, my iPod is working like a charm again and I’m really digging the new Weezer. A lot of people are really hard on Rivers Cuomo, but I’m a sucker for everything the man does.
  • Canada finally has Netflix. I know you guys don’t live in Canada, but it’s kind of a big deal here.
  • I got a great deal on a spring/fall jacket. Only when the weather started getting cool did I realize I didn’t have anything appropriate to wear. I'm such a doy-yoy!
  • I hate being the bearer of bad news, but David Arquette and Courteney Cox have separated. My heart goes out to the two actors. They’re probably in a pretty dark, deep, emotionally claustrophobic space right now, similar to the physical space you’ve all been sharing since early August.
  • I’ve started going to the gym again and I’ve got to say it: I’m feeling great!
*Excluding Alfonso.