A beer can’t give you three beautiful children named Todd (9), Jenny (6) and Garcia (2)!
Beer doesn't menstruate all the time!*
You don't need to charter a bus to transport 24 beers to your buddy's apartment!
If your best friend moves to Berlin with your beer, it's not as bad as if he'd moved to Berlin with the woman you love!
It’s not illegal to put your penis in a beer bottle when he passes away!
Beer doesn't spend all of your hard-earned money on shoes and Sarah Jessica Parkers. Beer doesn't even know where the mall is!
You can shotgun a beer without ruining everything!
You can drink beer out of a funny hat, but you can't keep a woman on your head for very long without hurting your neck muscles!
Beer doesn't have old boyfriends that highlight your failings as a man!
*Although I once saw Criss Angel make this happen. I was blown away.