Wednesday, February 10, 2010

A Letter of Reference for Lemmy Kilmister

He is a hard worker

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to heartily recommend one Ian Fraser Kilmister (known to his legions of fans simply as “Lemmy”) for employment with your firm/government/boutique, etc. You are no doubt familiar with Mr. Kilmister’s legendary involvement with the Grammy Award-winning English metal band Motörhead.

During a musical career that has spanned over five decades Mr. Kilmister has played, literally, tons of bass. He’s played bass fast. He’s played bass slow. But, most importantly, Mr. Kilmister has played bass LOUDLY and with a genuine sense of mischief. Indeed, Mr. Kilmister was born to raise hell in a way that few of us will ever fully comprehend. (When he passes away, I wonder who will claim his eternal soul: Jehovah or Lucifer? I shudder as I type these words, Dear Reader!)

In addition to being an accomplished bass player, composer and enfant terrible, Mr. Kilmister has that most elusive and valuable of all personal traits: I am, of course, referring to “the common touch.” His language is that of the simple tailor; his song is that of the factory worker; his gruff manner is that of the ageing prostitute whose best years are behind her, yet has no choice but to go on.... Lemmy is the poet laureate of the Underworld, the man who speaks for thieves, homosexuals, fallen women and deposed Kings. In essence, he is a Christian missionary worker whose “sermons” have been released on over 20 albums (and counting).

Lemmy’s hobbies include motorcycles, smoking grass and having unprotected sex. He can type at 22 w.p.m. and is proficient at some Microsoft Office applications. He is relatively well-organized, can work alone or as part of a team and has an OK sense of humor.

Please hire Lemmy. I am confident that he will make a fine addition to your organization/kiosk.

Michael Balazo

1 comment:

  1. hahahahahaha

    paragraph 3 would make a fitting eulogy if Lemmy ever dies