According to Vincent Gallo’s website, any woman wishing to have his baby can buy a load of his sperm for $1 million. What a glorious deal, huh ladies?
Not sooooo fast!
Before you reach for your American Express Black cards, let me play devil’s advocate for a moment. No matter how you try to justify it, $1 million is a lot of money to spend on actor jizz. Sure, Vincent Gallo has that “bad boy” quality that women like and he’s appeared in one of the Brown Bunny movies, but why not do a bit of comparative shopping before you fork out the cash for his you-know-what? After all, Vincent Gallo isn’t the only actor who knows how to ejaculate into a tube!
Let’s weigh the pros and cons and see what else is out there on the market. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll compare Vincent Gallo’s sperm to mine:
|Vincent Gallo's Sperm||Michael Balazo's Olde Tyme Semen™|
|$1 million per load||$28.72 per pound (but I'm willing to negotiate)|
|Contains famous genes||Contains prized, short-lived Slovak genes|
|Will likely make kid a showoff||Guarantees kid won't be too tall|
|Offer limited to women only||I don't judge anybody|
|Guaranteed 100% disease-free||Available in regular or tutti-frutti|
The winner is clear: Michael Balazo’s Olde Tyme Semen™ is superior to Vincent Gallo’s sperm in several ways. (Sorry, Vincent, but no one ever said the jizz biz was pretty!) I admit that my sperm isn’t as “flashy” as Vincent Gallo’s, but think of the money you’ll save. To paraphrase Nike: Just buy it (my sperm)!
Direct all enquiries to firstname.lastname@example.org