Wednesday, January 20, 2010

My Neighbors Are Driving Me Nuts!

My apartment building

When I first moved into my new apartment, I thought I'd literally died and gone to heaven. It had everything I'd ever wanted: windows, floors and a gorgeous full toilet that made all of my troubles disappear at the touch of a button. It seemed almost too good to be true.

It was.

Turns out, I have the worst neighbors in the world and they're making my life a living hell. Let me introduce you to the stupid idiots....


Jamie- apartment 14c

Jamie lives in the apartment next to mine and he's always doing anarchy. At first I thought it was endearing, but now I actually wouldn't mind a bit of law and order.


Doug- apartment 13a

Doug is always wandering the halls in his housecoat which hangs open in the penis area. Cover it up, buddy!


Jordan- apartment 11d

Jordan really gets my goat. Not a day goes by that he doesn't knock on my door to ask if he can die in my apartment. You wish, buddy!


Reuben Horowitz- apartment 12d

Reuben is always either yelling at women, lifting weights or recording spoken word albums that are neither funny nor interesting. He's the most overrated tenant in my building!


The McDonoughs- apartment 10s

These wrinkly rascals keep me up all night listening to old-school punk rock at full blast, skateboarding inside the building and having ear-splitting unprotected sex. A night in prison would straighten these two out.

Smokestack Johnson- apartment 9h

Smokestack has a knack for setting off the smoke alarms just as I'm settling down into a nice relaxing bubblebath. I hate him.


Iggy Pop- apartment 15h

Iggy is always causing blackouts in the building with his energy-sapping Bad Boy Machine. They say if he doesn't use it he'll just turn into a dessicated flap of skin, which would bring down the building's property value.


Anne Murray- apartment 9

Here's a thing Anne Murray never mentions in her song lyrics: she never holds the elevator door open for me. Try being polite for once, you huge old bag of ice.

Honestly, sometimes I wish I'd never moved into my beautiful apartment.

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