My bully, a.k.a. "Pappa"
It brings me great pleasure to announce that today at 6:45 AM, my long-time bully, Luke, became the father of an adorable baby boy!!!
Bundle of joy
It was a beautiful occasion and even Luke's wife, Kayte, was in high spirits:
Luke has been my bully for over twenty years now, so I felt honored when he chose to force me to midwife his son against my will. I didn't know the first thing about delivering a baby, but Luke's ceaseless stream of verbal and physical threats meant that failure was not an option....
Kayte's tummy a.k.a. "The Forest of Arden"
After the hard work was finished (and I'd washed my hands) I had the opportunity to meet and share a beer with Luke's father, Steven. Coincidentally, we both love the show Prison Break.
Steven's wife, Vanna, was also in attendance. Even though she didn't speak English I got the gist of what she was trying to say. The gist of it was that she didn't like me.
The baby certainly is a chip off the old block. As I was holding it for the first time, the little fellow punched me in the eye, called me a "fag" and tricked me into revealing my PIN. Everyone wrote it down, and now I'm super worried about money.
Congratulations, Luke! Your son is lucky to have you as a father. One of these days I will fight back.
This I swear by the stars.