Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Metallica Hates Me

What a sad day for me. My favourite band of all time – Metallica Band – rejected a song I wrote especially for them. Talk about rude. How could they let down their biggest fan? Now I have nothing to live for besides my rock-hard glutes and my Slovak heritage.

Normally I wouldn't brood too much over a song rejection, but I believe Metallica made a huge mistake by not recording my song. It's called The Metallica Dance, and it would have put them back on the top of the charts and made teenagers fall in love with them. I'd like you to take a look at what James, Lars, Kirk and bass-player were too dim to appreciate:

The Metallica Dance
by M. Balazo

Hey, everybody! Welcome to our concert
Is everyone feeling nice?
We’re all gonna have some fun, OK?
We may even do it twice!

We’re gonna teach you something
You’ve never seen before
And once you learn our special dance
You’ll want to do it more!

You take a step to the left and a step to the right
And you flippity-flop your hands,
You wiggle your tuchus around a bit
Now you’re doing the Metallica dance!
Now you’re doing the Metallica dance!
Now you’re doing the Metallica dance!
Now you’re doing the Metallica dance!

That’s right, you fuckers!
You’ve got it!

Oh! Kiss your sweetheart on the cheek
And keep her by your side
And in a couple of years, my son,
She’ll be your blushing bride!

A marriage is a sacred bond
Between two gentle souls
So don’t be false of heart or else
A-weeping ye shall go, sir
A-weeping ye shall go

(Metallica drum solo)

So, take a step to the left and a step to the right
And cast your eyes askance
Cupid’s watching over ye
Doing the Metallica dance!
Doing the Metallica dance!
Doing the Metallica dance!
Doing the Metallica dance!

Motherfuckers

© 2010 Blaztunez

So, there it is: my finest work.

I have half a mind to never write another dance-gimmick song for Metallica again.

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