Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A Genuine “Vampire Weekend” Would Be Cataclysmic

Worse than Hitler?

A few years ago, the people of New York City got together and made a band called Vampire Weekend. This band has gone on to release two critically acclaimed albums and has been feted by everyone from Brooklyn hipsters to people who dream of one day visiting Brooklyn. Very well.

What concerns me is that in all the hubbub and musical excitement, we’ve forgotten a very important historical lesson: a genuine "vampire weekend"—a two-day period during which vampires run amok on our streets, bite our daughters and defecate in our malls—would be a disaster.

According to government sources, a vampire weekend would turn nine out of ten people into vampires and cause incalculably gross damage to our cities (I'm referring again to vampires shitting in malls).

Is this the future you want for your children or whatever?

Just say "no" to these diabolical music boys and their genocidal dreams.

And the next time you're at the mall, stop for a moment to admire the gloriously feces-free floors of our excellent society.

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