Friday, November 13, 2009

Stay Safe Abroad!

Fact: Everybody loves to travel.

Fact: Everybody hates getting mugged, beaten up or (heaven forbid) murdered in cold blood while broadening their horizons.

I've travelled all over this crazy world and I've never once been murdered. So, how did I do it? Am I some sort of modern-day Messiah or a man/machine hybrid, impervious to bullets, pickpockets and Gypsy spells? No – I'm just a regular Canadian man who knows a few practical travel tips that can help make any trip abroad up to 67% murder-free.

TIP #1 - Secure Your Valuables

When out in big cities, keep money and other valuables in a secure place, such as a fannypack or an anus. Come to think of it, it's not a bad idea to hide things in your anus even when you're in rural areas . . . or at home, when you're not travelling at all. Why not see how much stuff you can fit up your anus?

TIP #2 - Respect the Locals

When being mugged, don't sarcastically ask your assailant if he has a university degree.

TIP #3 - Keep Your Love of The Cure To Yourself

It's a good idea to keep your love of The Cure or The Smiths to yourself. This is especially important when travelling in Africa, where it's difficult to tell which band the locals prefer (e.g. Sudan loves The Smiths while Rwanda is nuts for The Cure). Admiring the wrong band in the wrong country can lead to bloodshed – or worse.

TIP #4 - Befriend Criminals

As soon as you arrive abroad, make friends with some local criminals. These men will protect you from rival gangs and corrupt police officers (who are arguably more evil than the gangs they're paid to break up). You may be required to commit a few crimes or get a tattoo to earn your gang's respect, but you'll probably enjoy the God-like sensation of taking a human life.

TIP #5 - Avoid Spiked Drinks

Don't accept drinks from strangers or leave your drink unattended. Many criminals pour ketchup in drinks when no one is looking, thus ruining the drink's flavour forever.

TIP #6 - Dodge The "Flooded Town" Scam

Don't fall for the "flooded town" scam when travelling in tropical countries. This is a large-scale ruse designed to play on your emotions and bilk you out of money. Newsflash: all those people splish-splashing around are actors and they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to take advantage of English-speaking tourists.

TIP #7 - Travel Safe in Pairs

At all times, be aware of Soon-Yi's whereabouts.*

TIP #8 - Don't Mess Up Your Mission

When meeting your North Korean contact, don't hand over the enriched uranium until you've received the cash and intelligence dossier. What are you, an idiot?

TIP #9 - Charm Your Kidnappers

If you find yourself kidnapped abroad, try charming your captors by reciting as many classic Simpsons lines as you can remember (e.g. "Mmmm, donuts!"). If this backfires somehow and drives your captors to execute you, switch to Family Guy quotes until the decapitation is complete.

TIP #10 - Beware of Dolphins

If your plane goes down over the ocean and you survive, be wary of dolphins. Dolphins are the pickpockets of the sea and they are also motherfuckers.

* This tip applies solely to Woody Allen.

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