How To Find The Perfect Butler

Sometimes life gets so impossible that the only thing you can do is hire a butler to help out around the multi-million-dollar house in which I live. But with so many different kinds of butlers on the market, how do you know which one is the right guy for you? Never fear, buddies -- your old pal M. Balazo is on the job! I've compiled a list of some of my favorite butlers, complete with pros and cons. Right this way, Master Waynes....

English butler: perfect for rainy days and helping out at Oi! concerts.


American butler: similar to an English butler, but he knows Aunt Viv's secrets.

Sex butler: spends more time doing the nasty than working.

Homeless butler: a tough customer at the best of times.

Italian butler.

Young butler: full of all sorts of crazy ideas.

Space Butlers: loyal, but goopy.

Some butlers arriving for work.

Butler during his Ziggy Stardust phase.

German butler: despises condoms.

Old butler: he could pass away at any moment.

So, there you have it – a virtual butler buffet. Pick the one you want, sit back and relax. Isn't it weird that you can hire another human to live in your house and clean up after you when you make a mess?