Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cars of the Year

Vrrrroooooooom! That's the sound of 2009 speeding out of Time's Parking Lot, driven by thieves who will sell the car to feed their drug addictions. So, with the year almost finished, it’s time for me to do my annual roundup of the year's best cars. Gentlemen, start your engines now!

10. BLUE CARS


This year, blue cars were my favourite ones. Sure, they're not very fast and their fuel economy is atrocious, but sometimes I like to strip off all my clothes, paint myself blue from head to toe and lie down on the hood to see if anyone notices me, chameleon style. It's a lot of fun and it's something I need to do.

9. SQUISHED CAR


This funny little car is for the kind of driver who isn't uptight about getting from A to B. BONUS FEATURE: if you sit on top of the boulder long enough you'll begin to feel like a king.

8. CAR WITH A WIFE ON TOP


Last summer, my wife, Claire, participated in The Wash For Bones, a charity car wash that raised money for people with terrible bones. By the end of the day, Claire had raised over $87 and all the cars in town were sparkling -- which is more than I can say for the state of our marriage at present. For those of you interested in my personal life, Claire and I are currently separated, due to some problems we've been having with her not liking me.

7. TRUCK WITH HIS OWN BALLS


This truck scared me off the road when I saw what was dangling from him -- I thought it was some sort of bio-chemical weapon, or the Rise of the Machines. Thankfully, I was wrong and the "truck scrotum" is meant to be a joke for blue-collar people. I didn't "get it." And furthermore, why does the truck have a scrotum but no penis? A continuity error if ever there was one. Back to work, proles.

6. STOP URINATING ON MY VEHICLE


ATTENTION: If anyone has information about the boys who've been answering nature's call on my car, please contact me or the police IMMEDIATELY. The urine smell is really getting on my nerves and giving my wife headaches (at least, it used to, before she packed her bags). How would these dirty boys like it if I drove my car into their toilets every night? I thought so.

5. MY SON'S CAR


I guess this is more of a license-plate shot, but my son has a compact SUV that helps him cruise the streets with his friends all night. I don't know what they get up to, exactly, but they always seem to have a nice time together. It's very musty in there, so I usually open the windows to air it out while he sleeps all day.

4. BATMAN'S MOBILE



I've only included this one as a joke; this car is fictitious.

3. VICTORY CAR


HONK! Know what that sound is, little dude? It's the sound of Mankind conquering Nature.

2. ANNOYING CAR


This car is a real hassle. Every time you open the door, your grandpa has to fall out of the tree, which adds unnecessary tension to an already stressful Grandpa & Grandson Day. Grandpa makes me nervous!

1. HELL'S CAR


A flashy, "look-at-me" vehicle, hell's car is one of the only automobiles on the market that you can cook your dinner over. (Just thinking about this car makes my mouth water. I'm a burgerholic with a nasty case of french fry-itis.) It's also a good car for single women looking to snag themselves a fireman or mechanic!

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