Thursday, November 26, 2009

Cars of the Year

Vrrrroooooooom! That's the sound of 2009 speeding out of Time's Parking Lot, driven by thieves who will sell the car to feed their drug addictions. So, with the year almost finished, it’s time for me to do my annual roundup of the year's best cars. Gentlemen, start your engines now!


This year, blue cars were my favourite ones. Sure, they're not very fast and their fuel economy is atrocious, but sometimes I like to strip off all my clothes, paint myself blue from head to toe and lie down on the hood to see if anyone notices me, chameleon style. It's a lot of fun and it's something I need to do.


This funny little car is for the kind of driver who isn't uptight about getting from A to B. BONUS FEATURE: if you sit on top of the boulder long enough you'll begin to feel like a king.


Last summer, my wife, Claire, participated in The Wash For Bones, a charity car wash that raised money for people with terrible bones. By the end of the day, Claire had raised over $87 and all the cars in town were sparkling -- which is more than I can say for the state of our marriage at present. For those of you interested in my personal life, Claire and I are currently separated, due to some problems we've been having with her not liking me.


This truck scared me off the road when I saw what was dangling from him -- I thought it was some sort of bio-chemical weapon, or the Rise of the Machines. Thankfully, I was wrong and the "truck scrotum" is meant to be a joke for blue-collar people. I didn't "get it." And furthermore, why does the truck have a scrotum but no penis? A continuity error if ever there was one. Back to work, proles.


ATTENTION: If anyone has information about the boys who've been answering nature's call on my car, please contact me or the police IMMEDIATELY. The urine smell is really getting on my nerves and giving my wife headaches (at least, it used to, before she packed her bags). How would these dirty boys like it if I drove my car into their toilets every night? I thought so.


I guess this is more of a license-plate shot, but my son has a compact SUV that helps him cruise the streets with his friends all night. I don't know what they get up to, exactly, but they always seem to have a nice time together. It's very musty in there, so I usually open the windows to air it out while he sleeps all day.


I've only included this one as a joke; this car is fictitious.


HONK! Know what that sound is, little dude? It's the sound of Mankind conquering Nature.


This car is a real hassle. Every time you open the door, your grandpa has to fall out of the tree, which adds unnecessary tension to an already stressful Grandpa & Grandson Day. Grandpa makes me nervous!


A flashy, "look-at-me" vehicle, hell's car is one of the only automobiles on the market that you can cook your dinner over. (Just thinking about this car makes my mouth water. I'm a burgerholic with a nasty case of french fry-itis.) It's also a good car for single women looking to snag themselves a fireman or mechanic!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Stay Safe Abroad!

Fact: Everybody loves to travel.

Fact: Everybody hates getting mugged, beaten up or (heaven forbid) murdered in cold blood while broadening their horizons.

I've travelled all over this crazy world and I've never once been murdered. So, how did I do it? Am I some sort of modern-day Messiah or a man/machine hybrid, impervious to bullets, pickpockets and Gypsy spells? No – I'm just a regular Canadian man who knows a few practical travel tips that can help make any trip abroad up to 67% murder-free.

TIP #1 - Secure Your Valuables

When out in big cities, keep money and other valuables in a secure place, such as a fannypack or an anus. Come to think of it, it's not a bad idea to hide things in your anus even when you're in rural areas . . . or at home, when you're not travelling at all. Why not see how much stuff you can fit up your anus?

TIP #2 - Respect the Locals

When being mugged, don't sarcastically ask your assailant if he has a university degree.

TIP #3 - Keep Your Love of The Cure To Yourself

It's a good idea to keep your love of The Cure or The Smiths to yourself. This is especially important when travelling in Africa, where it's difficult to tell which band the locals prefer (e.g. Sudan loves The Smiths while Rwanda is nuts for The Cure). Admiring the wrong band in the wrong country can lead to bloodshed – or worse.

TIP #4 - Befriend Criminals

As soon as you arrive abroad, make friends with some local criminals. These men will protect you from rival gangs and corrupt police officers (who are arguably more evil than the gangs they're paid to break up). You may be required to commit a few crimes or get a tattoo to earn your gang's respect, but you'll probably enjoy the God-like sensation of taking a human life.

TIP #5 - Avoid Spiked Drinks

Don't accept drinks from strangers or leave your drink unattended. Many criminals pour ketchup in drinks when no one is looking, thus ruining the drink's flavour forever.

TIP #6 - Dodge The "Flooded Town" Scam

Don't fall for the "flooded town" scam when travelling in tropical countries. This is a large-scale ruse designed to play on your emotions and bilk you out of money. Newsflash: all those people splish-splashing around are actors and they should be ashamed of themselves for trying to take advantage of English-speaking tourists.

TIP #7 - Travel Safe in Pairs

At all times, be aware of Soon-Yi's whereabouts.*

TIP #8 - Don't Mess Up Your Mission

When meeting your North Korean contact, don't hand over the enriched uranium until you've received the cash and intelligence dossier. What are you, an idiot?

TIP #9 - Charm Your Kidnappers

If you find yourself kidnapped abroad, try charming your captors by reciting as many classic Simpsons lines as you can remember (e.g. "Mmmm, donuts!"). If this backfires somehow and drives your captors to execute you, switch to Family Guy quotes until the decapitation is complete.

TIP #10 - Beware of Dolphins

If your plane goes down over the ocean and you survive, be wary of dolphins. Dolphins are the pickpockets of the sea and they are also motherfuckers.

* This tip applies solely to Woody Allen.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How To Find The Perfect Butler

Sometimes life gets so impossible that the only thing you can do is hire a butler to help out around the multi-million-dollar house in which I live. But with so many different kinds of butlers on the market, how do you know which one is the right guy for you? Never fear, buddies -- your old pal M. Balazo is on the job! I've compiled a list of some of my favorite butlers, complete with pros and cons. Right this way, Master Waynes....

English butler: perfect for rainy days and helping out at Oi! concerts.

American butler: similar to an English butler, but he knows Aunt Viv's secrets.

Sex butler: spends more time doing the nasty than working.

Homeless butler: a tough customer at the best of times.

Italian butler.

Young butler: full of all sorts of crazy ideas.

Space Butlers: loyal, but goopy.

Some butlers arriving for work.

Butler during his Ziggy Stardust phase.

German butler: despises condoms.

Old butler: he could pass away at any moment.

So, there you have it – a virtual butler buffet. Pick the one you want, sit back and relax. Isn't it weird that you can hire another human to live in your house and clean up after you when you make a mess?