Kids, hey? They never turn out the way you want them to. Take my daughter, Janica. She's tearing the family apart with her behaviour and filthy outfits. I'm just about at my wit's end.
Janica really makes me mad. I've worked very hard all my life to give her the opportunity to become a successful businesswoman -- an opportunity I never had. And what does she give me in return? She goes ahead and turns into a nightmare. The question I keep asking myself is: where did it all go wrong?
As her father, I suppose I am at least partly responsible for how Janica turned out. I shouldn't have let her drop math in high school. I should've taken her to more museums. Maybe I set a bad example with my Fight Club and my bland suppers. But I certainly never brought her up to be an irresistible sex assassin who kills everyone and laughs afterward like a maniac.
Congratulations, Janica. You've made your father very unhappy. And as far as I'm concerned, you're out of the family.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Every time I leave my house, men ask me for dating advice that ACTUALLY WORKS. Hopefully, the following ten tips will help men land dates with their favourite women of all time.
1) Break into your sweetheart’s apartment while she’s at work and paint the words “YOUR FACE ROCKS” onto her bedroom ceiling.
2) Show your sweetheart your feminine side by dressing up like the famous character Dame Edna and sitting in a car in front of her building for 24 hours without telling her. Never tell her!
3) Using pictures from your sweetheart’s family photo albums as guidance, paint a nude portrait of her father and present it to her as a gift. NOTE: Take care to get the dick right.
4) Break into your sweetheart’s apartment while she’s away on vacation and execute a known child molester in the living room. This will tell her two things: 1) you are a man of action and 2) you are good with kids.
5) Bring your sweetheart to a cultural or sporting event such as an anti-immigration rally or an anti-immigration air-guitar competition.
6) Spike your sweetheart’s drink, but (and this is crucial) DON’T take advantage of her. When she comes to, tell her about your chivalrous behaviour – and get ready for a sizzling night in the boudoir!
7) It may sound old-fashioned, but a box of chocolates on Valentine’s Day never fails to melt a woman’s heart. NOTE: This time, when you’re breaking into your sweetheart’s apartment, you may wish to carry a firearm. In the worst-case scenario, your sweetheart owns firearms herself. If she opens fire on you, you have every right to protect yourself and the chocolates. Try to shoot your sweetheart somewhere that will slow her down but not eliminate her (e.g. her leg).
8) Send your sweetheart a funny YouTube video or the link to your favourite anti-immigration website.
9) Track down all of your sweetheart’s former boyfriends via the internet. Lure the men to an abandoned warehouse by the dockyard at midnight. Trap the men in a large bag. Place the bag of men in the water. When all the men in the bag have drowned, press record on the camera and hang yourself from the rafters.
10) Look deep into your sweetheart’s eyes and say, “I love your apartment.”