Friday, April 24, 2009

Words To Avoid Using in a Professional Looking Suicide Note from Strunk and White's The Elements of Style



stanky

shopaholic

Foo Fighters

spyware

stress puppy

Bridezilla

crème de la crème

schlong

methinks

sexplanation

Gandolfini-esque

irregardless

cuddlecore

fuggadaboutit

thrice

nucking futs

Friday, April 17, 2009

The Birthday of Me


Today I am a 30 year old human guy. It’s quite a surprising milestone for me, mostly because The Man Upstairs has spent the past three decades trying to assassinate me with a single-mindedness that is both scary and flattering. Face it, God — you’re a flop at killing me. Better luck next time, ding-dong!

Just joshing, you big Knucklehead!

So, how am I spending this first day of the rest of my life? Let me paint a picture for you: it is a rainy day in London. I am eating some discount garlic bread as an old Greek repairman fixes a leaky pipe over my pantry that is connected to the upstairs toilet. You should hear him swear at the stubborn thing in the language of Plato! Let’s just say I wouldn’t want to be in that toilet pipe’s shoes.

Things are going well.

My foul-mouthed Greek brother probably has a lot of sage advice for me. Just think of all the wonderful things this Noble Savage has learned over the course of his long, fruitful life as a toilet man. I’d even be willing to ask him for guidance if the language barrier weren’t such a massive, massive headache. No. It’s probably best to leave this inscrutable blue-collar Zeus alone and get on with my work. . . .

Now that I’ve safely escaped my 20s in a bulletproof helicopter, I feel it’s my responsibility to do what this Greek man can’t do: pass wisdom down to the younger generation. True, I’ve made a lot of huge-ass mistakes over the past decade (e.g. pretending to like Jeff Buckley, eating that diarrhea-inducing veggie burger in Dublin, etc.), but I’d like to think they are nicely balanced by an equal number of motherfuckingly good decisions (e.g. seeing The Bucket List).

I guess if I have a message for children and tweens, it is this: Jeff Buckley stinks the most. And don’t eat that weird veggie burger unless you want to spend the entirety of your flight back to Canada in the toilet of a budget airliner. On the other hand, The Bucket List is a shimmering jewel of a film that’s readily available on DVD (or as a BitTorrent — but DON’T tell the Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman actors I told you). The choice is yours.

So, let's see: Jeff Buckley, veggie burger, film . . . Jesus Christ — I only did three things in my 20s. And two of them were bad. Shit.

Oh well. My 30s are going to be a wild ride, and I am totally screaming because I want to go faster. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m stepping out for a Dionysian night on the town with a certain Mediterranean repairman. Look out, London ladies! With his rough worker’s hands and my 70 w.p.m. typing skills at least one of us is bound to have intercourse before sunrise!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Thoughts of Robert Oppenheimer on Watching the First Nuclear Bomb Test


I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

I wonder if history will judge me for my role in all this?

Whoa! During the blast I could see everyone’s bones. I guess we’re all the same under our skin. One day, thanks to me, Americans will finally elect Obama as President.

I am become Starving. What’s for dinner back at the lab? Do you think it’s burgers or pizza? You know, if someone held a gun to my head and asked me which I liked more—burgers or pizza—I honestly don’t know what I’d do.

Ha! Jones is too chubby to fit into his anti-radiation suit. He’s the chubbiest physicist of all!

I wonder if Karen likes me? Aw, who am I kidding—a glamorous lady scientist like that would never go for an old fuddyduddy like me. What does she see in Jones?

Rats! It wasn’t supposed to be a mushroom cloud. I wanted it to be a candy cane.

I am become Embarrassed. Karen totally saw me trip on my shoelace.

I wonder if Abbot and Costello are friends in real life?

Oh God! Jones just let one rip. And I thought my bombs were deadly!